Dear, Anxiety... f* you

you weren’t invited to the party

Family, I apologize for the momentary cursing.

***

Dear, Anxiety

I’m going to be brutally honest with you. I don’t like you. I don’t mean to hurt your feelings, but you’re an asshole and I wish you’d leave me alone. You’ve been around my whole life, lurking around corners, waiting for opportune moments to catch me off guard and force me to withdraw from myself. I never knew how to ditch you. I still don’t know how. But I’m an adult now, which means you are, too, so I figured it’s a good time to sit down and finally have this talk.

When I was a kid, I let your behavior slide. I gave you a pass because I was safe at home, around my parents and the woods and the mountains and the lake. You didn’t feel as bad then. It was easier to breathe and just push you aside. You were only ever truly forceful when I was at school or with my friends or at restaurants. Anywhere in public really. You made me uncomfortable and nervous and awkward and thank god I’m a reserved person anyway so I could blame it all on that.

But now you come around more and more. You know when I’m alone and you invite yourself over. No heads up, no phone call, no knock. You don’t even bring wine or a good ipa, just your obnoxious and noxious self.

You give me insomnia.

You give me acid reflux.

You give me headaches.

You make me do weird things. You make me want to rearrange furniture and do household chores at 2am. You make me tell the wait staff at restaurants you, too after they say enjoy your food. You make me overthink everything, from that you, too, to a simple text, to the thought of a house I’ll have in the future and if the backyard will be big enough for the dogs I don’t have yet and if they will resent me for it if it’s not big enough because I only want the best for these dogs in my head that may or may not even be born yet. Their well-being is everything to me.

You make it difficult to go to concerts and anywhere crowded.

You don’t allow me to be present in a lot of moments and I’m tired. I’m tired of your shenanigans. I’m tired of having conversations with myself about scenarios that will never occur or about something that was said years ago and I can’t even remember who said it but the words live on rent free in my head and decide to repeat themselves while standing in line at the grocery store. Kudos.

I know I’m not the only party you invite yourself to. Millions are forced to deal with you and your unwanted shit. Heck, there are drugs to try and rid you. There are gadgets to try and deal with you, to try and lessen the nerves you leave as party favors.

Get the hint that everyone is not so subtly telling you.

You are annoying. You are debilitating. You are chaos in the mind. You are uninvited. You are unnecessary.

Fuck you.

Sincerely,

H